Posted by Office-Bob on 23 Sep 2008 | Tagged as: General Craziness
Here’s an interesting article about a city in Israel that is setting up a doggy DNA databank that will allow them to track down dog owners who don’t clean up after their pets.
I’m glad to see that Israel is taking action in the ongoing War on Terrier, but I worry that they might be headed for their own Boxer Rebellion.*
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Posted by Office-Bob on 17 Sep 2008 | Tagged as: General Craziness
Because I have dual Canadian/American citizenship - or, as I like to tell people, I’m bi - I am watching both upcoming elections closely.
I was talking with a co-worker today via IM about the US Presidential election and we were trading links to various blogs and campaign ads. One of the links he sent me was for a BBC essay titled “Why rednecks may rule the world” and after reading it I suggested to him that a McCain/Palin victory might mean seeing a limo up on blocks in front of the White House.
My co-worker replied that it would likely be a Hummer limo, and I then mentioned that it would probably have a gun rack.
He countered by suggesting a dead moose should be strapped to the hood of the limo…and that’s when my twisted sense of humour kicked in.
DISCLAIMER: I AM IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM WISHING ANY HARM TO BEFALL JOHN MCCAIN OR ANY OTHER POLITICIAN.
Imagine, if you will, the scenario that might play out if, Heaven forbid, President McCain were to die in office.
Visualize the funeral procession carrying his body to where it will lie in state…but instead of a coffin being transported by a horse-drawn carriage, he’s strapped to the fender of a Hummer limo driven by Sarah Palin.
With, of course, a gun rack in the rear window.
Will the Honour Guard be wearing blaze orange as they fire their 21-shotgun salute? Are we talking double barrels here and, if so, are they side-by-side or over/under?
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Posted by Office-Bob on 03 Sep 2008 | Tagged as: General Craziness
Of course, this is the answer to the question, “How do you make a dead rat float?”
I was walking to work Tuesday morning when I saw a dead rat lying on the sidewalk. I could tell it was dead because:
1) It was lying motionless on the sidewalk
2) It was stiff and on its side
3) Did I mention it wasn’t moving?
Now I’m not a fan of vermin running loose on the streets, but at least with rats (unlike the typical Vancouver resident with no fixed address) you don’t have to worry about them pestering you for money and they rarely start muttering/talking/yelling to themselves, so I generally believe in live and let live – they can stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of their dumpsters. While I’m not going to go out of my way to do them in, it doesn’t mean I’m upset that people trap and poison them – however, I was feeling a little sad that a living creature met such an inglorious end (from certain clues at the “crime scene” it appears that the rat succumbed to poison).
I mentally shrugged and continued on my way and then, about half a block further along, I saw someone walking his dog off-leash. I don’t know if Vancouver has a leash law, but I figured that I would at least let the guy know there was a dead rat on the sidewalk so he could take steps to ensure his dog didn’t decide to make it his new chew toy.
I let him know about the dead rat but I wasn’t expecting the reaction I got; not only did he tell me that he’d seen it there last night but it wasn’t dead at the time (oooooookay), but when I told him I was mentioning it so he could make sure his dog didn’t grab it he just kept saying “Yeah, yeah, yeah…” as I talked, obviously not worried about the possibility of his pet taking a bite out of a poisoned rat carcass that could also be carrying who knows what?
I’m happy that the dog owner felt confident enough that his pet wasn’t going to eat something it shouldn’t, but I went from feeling sorry for one animal (the rat) to feeling sorry for two (the dog) because when I owned dogs, even though I felt I knew all of their quirks and habits, I still wouldn’t take a chance with something as potentially dangerous as a dead rat. Perhaps they walked past it last night while it was still alive and the dog ignored it, but who knows?
I guess I’ll look on the bright side and say that it’s unlikely the rat is carrying listeria – after all, to the best of my knowledge Maple Leaf doesn’t use rat in their lunch meat products.
AUTHOR’S NOTE - The previous paragraph not only adds some sick humour, but it completes my Canadian Content requirement for the calendar year.
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Posted by Office-Bob on 09 Aug 2008 | Tagged as: General Craziness
(For bonus points and a cookie, which character in what movie said this, and what was he/she referring to?)
My co-workers and I eat lunch together every weekday - it’s a small office and it gives us a chance to do things such as watch interviews with interface design specialists (which is more interesting than it sounds) or just talk about various things. One of the things we’ll often talk about is movies and while I may be the “old man” of the group, most of us are experienced enough in the older “classics” to have some interesting discussions.
I say “most” because one of my co-workers, T, may have been brought up by wolves - he has managed to make it this far in life without seeing, or even being aware of, a number of movies that the rest of us take for granted.
To that end I am taking it upon myself to expand his knowledge by digging into my DVD library and loaning him movies that I think will help him in future discussions. The process is going to take some time but T does like watching movies so it’s not as if I’m trying to force them on him. If he watches something and doesn’t like it that’s fine with me - my tastes are certainly not for everyone, as E can attest (Hey, I wasn’t all that fond of ANKLE BITERS either) but if it helps him to not look so confused when someone says, “Klaatu barada nikto” at the lunch table, I’ll be content.
Here are the movies I’ve started him out with:
FAHRENHEIT 451 (dystopian future, and there will be a quiz regarding the opening credit sequence)
WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE (end-of-the-world)
THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (Cold War/Red Menace, plus I want him to see this before he’s exposed to the potentially dreadful remake coming later this year)
FORBIDDEN PLANET (adaptation of famous literary works into a sci-fi context)
I have started a list of other movies in my collection to use but these 4 are, I think, a good start.
An unexpected benefit to this exercise is that I’m reminded that there are movies I should buy for my own pleasure - for example, THEM! is a good example of the “giant insect” genre but I have never gotten around to buying a copy…something I’ll have to correct soon. Now that a decent version of the original GODZILLA is available, I want to get that as well because let’s face it, you gotta have a few rubber-suit monsters destroying Japan in your movie collection (and I already have Mothra).
I’m still trying to decide when I’m going to make him watch NIGHT OF THE LEPUS.
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Posted by Office-Bob on 15 Jun 2008 | Tagged as: General Craziness
While I don’t think anyone (anyone halfway intelligent, that is) will argue with Barnum’s adage about a sucker being born every minute, sometimes it would seem that a good majority of them are created by the inbreeding of audiophiles.
It’s been known for some time that if you want to separate a fool from their money you can usually do it by selling Monster Cable products, but apparently Denon has decided there are enough fools to go around and is offering what, at first glance, would appear to be a glorified Ethernet cable.
Once you’ve picked your jaw up from the floor because you saw the price of this cable (which works out to around $8.50 per inch), I urge you to read the customer reviews and their associated comments (I’ve never bothered reading comments on Amazon reviews before, but I’m glad I did for these) for gems such as this:
A caution to people buying these: if you do not follow the “directional markings” on the cables, your music will play backwards. Please check that before mentioning it in your reviews.
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish adjusting my turntable; I know people scoff at the idea of weighting the tonearm but I find I can really tell the difference when I listen to Kenny G.
Now, where did I put that box of kittens?
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Posted by Office-Bob on 18 May 2008 | Tagged as: Rants
Dear Randal:
I hope you don’t mind my addressing you by your first name - after all, it seems as if I’ve come to know you so very intimately.
The word “intimate” is appropriate seeing as you have been sending me hundreds of e-mails offering me Viagra (50mg x 60 pills) for the past week.
I would be happy to let you know how much I enjoy receiving all of your spam at work where it is being sent to our support e-mail address, but I seriously doubt that the address you include in each message - gvgage@mysourceforhomes.com - is your real address or that Randal Bautista is your real name…plus, I’d be lying if I said I enjoy wasting time deleting your useless garbage .
Before I sign off, I thought that you might like to see how your spam was prioritized in our tracking database:
Funny, yes?
And now, Randal, I’d appreciate it if you’d move on to your next mass mailing victim.
Popularity: 57% [?]
Posted by Office-Bob on 08 Mar 2008 | Tagged as: General Craziness, Rants
This just in from the “Eats, Shoots and Leaves” department:
Those who know me well are aware that it drives me up the wall when I see or hear news reports that use the phrases “shot dead” or “shot to death”*
because, last time I checked, it was highly unlikely someone could be shot alive or shot to life.
When I encounter these words I wonder how difficult or time-wasting it would be to just use “shot and killed” or “shot and wounded,” which convey the same information but suit my small, self-centered world and help keep my blood pressure down?
I know, it’s minor – some might even say trivial – but that’s just how I roll.
I was reminded of this again today when I saw the following headline in a local paper:
Chinese police shoot dead tourist bus hijacker
When I read this headline my thoughts were:
1) How could a dead person manage to hijack a tourist bus in the first place?
2) If the hijacker were dead, why would the police even bother shooting him?
3) Is this the start of the inevitable zombie apocalypse?
Another paper, while still managing to piss me off, said it somewhat more accurately:
Chinese police shoot tourist bus hijacker dead
Okay…we’re still dealing with the “is it possible to shoot someone alive?” question, but at least it’s an improvement over the idea of zombie bus hijackings.
Here’s how I’d have written the headline:
Chinese police shoot, kill tourist bus hijacker
See what I did there? I switched one 4-letter word for another and added a single comma. Come on, news writers and editors, is it really that hard?
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Posted by Office-Bob on 05 Feb 2008 | Tagged as: The Church of Pyro
I received word today that a fireworks display I was supposed to do this weekend out in Richmond has been cancelled; apparently they decided they didn’t want to have fireworks.
I’m of two minds about the news. On the one hand I do enjoy putting on a display even though the amount of work involved, both before and after, is a lot…but considering what the weather’s been like lately, the idea of being stuck out in the cold and wet wasn’t all that appealing, especially since I’m heading to Western Winter Blast (a fireworks convention in Arizona) next week and the last thing I need is to come down with yet another cold - I’ve had too many of those recently.
(Yes, I do have rain gear and yes, I do wear it if needed but that doesn’t keep you from getting cold, or even a little bit wet; it just keeps you from getting soaked through.)
Elliot, the guy who books me for most of my shows, has an event going on in Surrey on Friday night and while I can’t help him with that, I did offer my help doing any prep he might need, and I’m also going to loan him my cordless drill as I won’t be needing it this weekend. He told me he might need me to do a run to Purolator on Saturday to pick up some show product that hasn’t arrived yet; things like that are no big deal and I’m happy to do it for him as he’s been very helpful to me in the past with things such as letting me use one of his high-end firing systems for my Halloween school show at no charge.
This cancellation will give me the chance to get a few extra pre-convention errands run that I would have had to try and cram into Sunday afternoon, plus I won’t be spending part of my weekend bent over in the cold rain, lugging a garbage bag and picking up spent fireworks pieces from the Richmond City Hall lawn.
Things like that are worth losing a shooter’s fee for.
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Posted by Office-Bob on 16 Dec 2007 | Tagged as: General Craziness
Every year at this time, the Hyatt Vancouver sponsors a gingerbread house display. Schools and companies submit “entries,” people vote by donation and all proceeds go to a local charity. I have pictures of some of this year’s entries; click on any image to enlarge it.
(you might want to go to the bathroom or perform some other task while you wait for the images to load.)
Enjoy!
BONUS REALLY, REALLY BIG PANORAMA PICTURE:
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Posted by Office-Bob on 12 Dec 2007 | Tagged as: Rants
I grew up in a family environment in which phone calls were rarely made or received after 10 pm, and only then if the circumstances were important enough to warrant it. As a result, any time the phone rings after 10 I automatically assume, right or wrong, that something bad has happened and that I’m being called with bad news. Fortunately, my friends understand this quirk and are good about not calling that late so it’s usually not an issue.
I remember an instance many years ago where I was receiving calls late in the evening for an “escort agency” whose number was one digit off of mine; it got so bad that I unplugged the phone and let the answering machine take everything, only to find out as I played back messages the next morning that one call was from my mother, informing me that my grandfather (her father) had just died.
As you can guess, I’m of the firm belief that nothing good has ever come from late-night phone calls.
Recent events have only reinforced this belief and because of said events, I am now going to post An Open Letter to Telemarketers.
Dear Telemarketers:
I understand that there are jobs out there which people do not approve of, and yet “must” be done (for the record, I class telemarketers in the same “necessary” category as carrion-eaters, leeches and river flukes).
I understand that technology has made it easy to automate certain things, such as dialing phone numbers.
I can even understand the desire to use recorded messages in order to achieve the maximum amount of potential customer contact.
I don’t even mind (well, not much) getting calls during the “dinner hour” as it’s my choice to answer the phone or let the answering machine take the call.
HOWEVER.
Let’s get a few things straight, shall we? Here are my Rules for Telemarketers:
1) If you’re going to use an automatic dialer combined with a live person, design your system so the person trying to waste my time is there as soon as I pick up the phone; I’m tired of answering a call only to be subjected to dead air while your minimum wage drone finally realizes there’s a warm body on the other end of the line.
2) If you’re using an auto dialer with a recording, invest in technology that will terminate the call if an answering machine is reached (and if there is no such technology, start looking into developing it). At first glance it may seem pointless but think about it…every call that’s stuck on a machine is taking up valuable time that could be spent calling another number and bothering that person, and the law of averages would indicate that more calls = more potential sales.
3) Don’t be offended if, when you call me, I hang up on you whether or not I first politely say I’m not interested…on second thought, scratch that as I really don’t give a damn if I’ve offended you.
4) Last but not least, to whoever was using 604-270-7289 to call me at 3 in the morning to simply beep at me…IF I EVER FIND OUT WHO THE HELL YOU ARE I’M COMING OVER TO YOUR HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AT WHICH TIME I WILL BE TAKING YOUR TELEPHONE, SHOVING IT UP YOUR ASS*, THEN REMOVING IT, SETTING IT ON FIRE AND SHOVING IT UP YOUR ASS A SECOND TIME WHILE YELLING “BEEP!” OVER AND OVER IN YOUR EAR AS I LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AND WATCH YOU WRITHE IN AGONY.
*Of course, I’ll be wearing rubber gloves during this process as I believe in safe, sanitary fun.
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