General Craziness

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Sometimes the easiest way to get something out of your head is to write it down

Posted by Office-Bob on 22 Aug 2017 | Tagged as: General Craziness, Rants

I try to avoid being overtly political when it comes to social media, but lately it’s been getting more and more difficult to do so - gee, I wonder why?

Anyway, I had a few bits of a song parody floating through (what passes for) my mind and decided that I should knuckle down and finish the damned thing or it would never vacate the premises - what follows is the result.

FYI, the Guam reference was more timely when I started writing this down.

A Day In The Life

(with apologies to The Beatles)
Continue Reading »

Popularity: 2% [?]

I’ll take “How To Miss Your JEOPARDY Audition” for $500, Alex…

Posted by Office-Bob on 08 Apr 2017 | Tagged as: General Craziness, Rants

Last year (July 2016) I received news that I’d been selected to audition for JEOPARDY; I was given a list of available dates and cities and I decided on July 15 in Las Vegas because:

1) It was one of the few dates which fit my current work schedule;
2) It was close to my wedding anniversary and while I’ve been to Vegas before, my wife has never been so I thought it would be a great way to spend the weekend considering that our actual anniversary day was going to be spent working on the 2016 Celebration of Light fireworks competition. We’d have been going out to dinner that weekend anyway, so why not make it more memorable by doing it in Vegas?

I called my wife and asked her if she was cool with flying to Vegas for the weekend and with her enthusiastic approval in hand, I arranged the flight and hotel. Because we were wrapping production on the TV series I was currently working on the day before the audition, I booked an early morning flight which gave us lots of time to check into our hotel and then for me to get to the afternoon audition…unless things went south in a big way.

You can probably guess where this is going but for now, as the late Stuart MacLean used to say, “Let’s stay in the moment.”

We arrived at YVR in lots of time to get through security (I have NEXUS, my wife doesn’t, so our timetable took that into account) and after clearing the lines we sat down and waited…then we received the first notice that things might not go as smoothly as hoped when Air Canada announced there’d be a 30 minute delay due to a mechanical issue. No problem, we literally have hours between arrival in Vegas and the audition so there’s nothing to worry about.

Then another delay was announced.

Then yet another delay was announced.

Then my travel-planning app sent me a text to warn me that the flight had been cancelled.

Since the status board at the gate hadn’t been updated to reflect any cancellation I walked up and asked the gate agent what was going on; she informed me that while the flight had technically been cancelled because the original plane wasn’t going to be fixed in a reasonable amount of time, they were bringing in another plane and would transfer everyone’s reservations over to the “new flight.”

By this time the announcements were coming over the PA system and everyone was finding out the good news; the gate agents handed out meal vouchers so people could go get breakfast while we waited to find out exactly when we’d be taking to the air.

The delay dragged on and on, and my travel plans went from “We’ll have plenty of time” to “Okay, the wife will stay at the airport and grab our luggage while I take a cab straight to the audition” to “Better get used to the fact that you’re just not going to make the audition.” We ended up arriving in Vegas about 30 minutes after the audition started (and we were warned that it would start on time and not to be late, so when you factor in the time it would take to get to the host hotel from the airport it wasn’t even worth trying to get there) so the next step was to check in to our hotel and make the best of a bad situation.

When I’d booked the hotel I’d paid extra for early check-in – something that wasn’t needed by this point because of the delays – so when we got to the hotel I figured there was no harm in asking to be credited back the early check-in fee. Not only did they refund the fee but when I told them why we had come to Vegas and what had happened, they gave us an extra food and drink credit which we used to celebrate our anniversary in a more elaborate way than we’d originally planned.

The weekend went well enough and we had a good time despite my disappointment at missing my “big chance,” but there was one more thing I need to do upon my return home – request a refund from Air Canada for my outbound seat assignments because I had paid for exit row seats for our trip and when the metal was replaced on the flight to Vegas, the same seat number assignments on a different model of aircraft meant that what we had weren’t exit row seats. Upon our return home I went onto seatguru.com and printed off floor plans for both the original plane and the plane we ended up on, noted the difference in seating and requested a refund for the seat fees as what we received were not what we paid for…Air Canada agreed and refunded the fees for the outbound leg of the trip.

By now, some of you might be wondering why I didn’t ask for some sort of compensation for the flight delay itself? Well, despite the long delay in getting me to Las Vegas, Air Canada did in fact get me there so they held up their end of the bargain…it’s not their fault that I didn’t build an extra day’s buffer into my schedule, so as far as I’m concerned I can’t justify asking for more than a refund on that part of the flight which they failed to deliver, namely specific seat assignments.

As for the audition, while waiting at YVR I did email the JEOPARDY producers at the only email address I had to inform them I’d be missing the audition, and a few weeks later they got in touch to say that they’d let me audition again in the near future. I don’t know what then might happen but you can be sure that if/when it does, I’m going to be flying in at least one day early.

Popularity: 4% [?]

Felines…nothing more than felines…

Posted by Office-Bob on 09 Mar 2015 | Tagged as: General Craziness

Have you ever regretted not having kids because you’re unable to enjoy being able to tell them to turn down their godawful music? Well, never fear, now there’s music for cats!

Now you can yell at your cats to turn down their crap music; they’ll ignore you just like a REAL teenager, but with less sighing and screaming things like, “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM! I HATE YOU!”

For less than the cost of a cup of coffee you can show your cat how much you regret making them listen to your Nina Simone CDs by giving them something that they’ll want to listen to! Take “crazy cat lady” to A HIGHER LEVEL!

Operators are standing by…ORDER NOW!

Popularity: 14% [?]

Strangers on a Plane

Posted by Office-Bob on 25 Feb 2013 | Tagged as: General Craziness

I had just finished a week-long trip and was on my way home; the first leg of my flight was Las Vegas to Seattle, and from there I had a connecting flight to Bellingham where I’d catch a shuttle to drive me to Vancouver. It’s a long trip but still cheaper than travelling directly from Vancouver to Vegas, so there you are.

As I was settling into my aisle seat, the passenger in the middle seat showed up and I got up to let him sit down. He obviously wasn’t pleased with having the middle seat as he asked me, and then the passenger in the window seat, if we’d be willing to switch places with him. Even with the offer of cash in hand, neither of us were interested in switching places so, with no further comment, Middle Passenger took his seat.

He was young – I’m terrible at guessing ages but I figured he was in his early to mid-twenties. He was dressed in t-shirt and shorts, with a hoodie that he removed before taking his seat. He fiddled with his phone for a bit, probably texting someone to let them know he made his flight.

After takeoff, he asked me if they served alcohol on the flight. I said they did and then, guessing that he wasn’t aware of how things now worked in the air, told him that they only accepted credit or debit cards for payment. My hunch was correct as he then asked if I would be willing to buy him a drink. I agreed, because he was a very polite young man and since he couldn’t buy drinks on his own, there was very little chance of his becoming drunk and disorderly in-flight.

When the attendant came by to take drink orders he requested a Cuervo and Coke and (without being asked) handed over his ID – a Washington State driver’s license which was different in that it was printed to be read vertically, rather than horizontally as other types of ID are printed. The attendant seemed a little puzzled and asked a few questions about the DL but as it showed he was of legal age, she gave him his drink. I ordered a rum and diet Coke and paid for both, and when he started to pull out money to pay me for the drink, something made me tell him to forget it, that the drink was on me.

I can’t tell you why I paid for his drink – He had enough cash on him to try to bribe his way into a “better” (for him) seat, and I wasn’t looking for good deeds to do…but something just told me that he could use a break.

He offered his hand while thanking me; I took it, we shook, and then after we’d mixed our drinks we toasted each other. He mentioned that he’d been in Vegas for a month to visit his uncle but was now returning home to Seattle, and this was only his second time on a plane. He wasn’t terrified nor terribly at ease, but he admitted that this second time wasn’t as nerve-wracking as the first. He then made a comment indicating that he was still smarting a little from having his ID questioned, so I told him how the Washington State driver’s licenses handled under-21 drivers when I was living there, decades ago – if you were under 21 when your license photo was taken they did it as a side profile; that way ID checkers would be able to tell right away if someone was definitely 21 or if they needed to look further at things – say, the ID holder turned 21 after the license photo was taken.

We discussed various sorts of ID; I showed him my NEXUS card with its incredibly bad photo taken with a webcam (I’m not joking), and he said his last piece of ID before the Washington DL was a Department of Corrections ID card.

As I’ve mentioned before I’m not great at guessing ages but considering we’d now established that he’s recently turned 21. Since, in my opinion, it’s very unlikely that he was a corrections officer at that young an age – well, you can figure it out where my mind went.

Didn’t bother me one damned bit.

We talked about a lot of things. He asked me how long I’d been married (since 1981) and asked me how I knew she was The One; I replied that to me it was a matter of seeing how the relationship progressed until everything just felt right. He asked me other questions such as were there things I’d done in my life that I regretted, and if I found it difficult to trust people. I told him that of course I’d done things in life that I’d regretted – I don’t think there’s anyone alive who hasn’t – but that you have to just learn from your mistakes and try not to make the same mistakes twice. As far as trusting people, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt unless they’re obviously untrustworthy, and if someone breaks my trust I’m willing to give them another chance unless they show they’re completely irredeemable.

As you might imagine I was dying to hear his life story and try to understand what he’d done – or had had done to him – to make him ask these sorts of questions of a complete stranger…but if my assumption that he was recently released from some sort of correctional facility was correct then coming out and bugging him for details could be considered as hypocritical of me, since I’d been talking about trust and learning from mistakes and so on. If he wanted to unburden himself to me that was certainly his choice but to me, it was on a Need to Know basis, and I didn’t think I had the need to know.

Eventually the conversation petered out. We finished our drinks, I did a little work on my iPad while listening to some music, and he closed his eyes and slept a bit.

As we were landing he thanked me again for the drink and wished me good luck with the rest of my travel plans; since he had reached his destination I wished him good luck with his life and told him to “pay forward” the drink when he could. We shook hands again, I gathered my stuff and dashed off to make my connecting flight.

It’s very unlikely I’ll ever see David again, but whatever he does and wherever he goes, I hope he does well – and, if he does, I hope our conversation helped at least a little.

Popularity: 31% [?]

Year in Review: 2012

Posted by Office-Bob on 12 Jan 2013 | Tagged as: General Craziness, The Church of Pyro, FX

Now that enough time has elapsed that I feel like an utter jerk for neglecting my blog for so long, it’s time to look back at the past year. With the exception of the startup I’d been with since 2007 apparently going under in December (I say “apparently” because while they’ve gotten rid of everyone who was working there, the site itself is still online for now), it was a pretty good year.

  • I got to see the Mythbusters Live! tour when they came through Vancouver…although I missed out on the chance to get an Adam Savage bobblehead because I figured they’d have lots available and I’d buy one after the show, only to find they’d run out.
  • While I attended Western Winter Blast per usual in February (where I got to see my first oxygen lance), this time I flew out of Bellingham because even when adding the cost of the shuttle to/from the airport it was still over $100 cheaper than flying out of Vancouver (Hey, Canadian airline industry, are you paying attention? I’m not the only person doing this) and due to a combination of lack of sleep and coffee, and the unfamiliarity of a new/much smaller airport, I managed to screw up when trying to go through security. Despite the horror stories you hear about the TSA, the staff at BLI were very nice and helpful and even had a sense of humour, which made what could have been a major hassle into nothing more than a minor hiccup in my travels.
  • I made my reality TV debut on an episode of PYROS and I came out surprisingly (for me) well.
  • I did a consult for Metro Theatre for a production they were mounting which I’d done FX for previously – unfortunately due to scheduling issues I wasn’t able to see the show itself.
  • I had lots of pyro gigs this year, including the World Model United Nations conference in Vancouver and my first New Year’s Eve show since 2007 (which may turn into a recurring gig, huzzah!), but two shows which stand out for me were Rammstein (flamethrowers, giant cooking pots, and a foam machine painted to look like a penis – what’s not to like?) and Skrillex (bad point: backstage politicking, good point: being able to take home all of their unused pyro as it was the last stop on the tour, and they didn’t want the hassle of trying to take the product back across the border into the US). After reviewing my calendar I figured out that the total number of shows I worked on in 2012 was 12 – which I’d say is a respectable number for someone who isn’t doing pyro as a full-time gig.
  • For those of you who are into such things, here’s what a show looks like before it’s fired and here’s what it looks like as it’s being fired (Yes, Mom, I was wearing all of my safety gear and I had something to duck behind if there was a problem).
  • I also learned how useful pyro pokes are, and that I should have purchased a set long ago because not only do they make it very easy to insert e-match into tight quickmatch, or when you’re e-matching directly into a lift charge, but they’re a great way to make friends when you see someone from Team Brazil trying to use a piece of wood as a poke, and you loan him one of yours. I suppose I should add “International Relations” to my resume…
  • I created my first scripted show this year using the Cobra system; even though the show suffered from heavy rains which knocked out a bunch of product (I thought I had everything properly protected, but I obviously didn’t - but now I know for next time!), it was nice to not have to pay attention to a stopwatch and cue list while trying to push the right buttons at the right time.
  • Shows I attended but didn’t work on included John Fogerty, John Prine, Bonnie Raitt, the Chieftains, Don McLean and the Vinyl Café Christmas Concert…and while it wasn’t live I saw the latest “arena tour” of JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR, which has cemented my man crush on Tim Minchin.

    All in all, 2012 was a good year. 2013 looks to be okay as well – I already have 3 shows scheduled and I expect at least 3 more - but I guess we’ll see how it turns out.

    Popularity: 44% [?]

    This week’s episode of Adventures in Home Ownership…REPLACING THE SOAP DISPENSER!

    Posted by Office-Bob on 24 Sep 2012 | Tagged as: General Craziness

    That’s right, folks, not everything in my life is as exciting as blowing stuff up - sometimes I actually have to deal with the mundane stuff.

    The dispenser in question is in the kitchen and mounted in the sink, to be used for dish-washing soap (yes, I’m one of those Luddites without an automatic dishwasher, deal with it). The pump mechanism died, so I set about trying to locate a suitable replacement.

    I found a dispenser unit at IKEA, and my first hope - that I’d be able to just swap out the pump head and not have to replace the storage bottle mounted under the sink - was dashed because, of course, they’re not the same diameter.

    Unscrewing the bottle from underneath the sink should be easy enough, right? Well, no, because this thing was so old that I was only able to get the nut loosened enough to become incredibly frustrated at my inability to grow an extra set of arms, or to lengthen the ones I have a la Reed Richards.

    I learned a long time ago that when I start getting frustrated over things like this it’s better to step back and cool off. Since there were other errands that I needed to do I went ahead and did them, allowing me time to ponder the dilemma and think of an appropriate solution.

    Eventually the solution I was seeking came to me in the form of the saying, “There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives a hacksaw.”

    A quick trip to my workshop and I was soon happily sawing away at the neck of the bottle housing, now available to me through the small amount of gap I’d been granted by that tiny amount of play in the mounting nut which was holding the pump neck to the bottle housing…it was small, but it was large enough for the hacksaw blade and that’s all that mattered. Of course after finally removing the old dispenser I found that the hole was just a teensy bit smaller than what was needed for the new dispenser, but that’s easy enough to fix with my Dremel and since I still had other things to do, I decided to stop there and wait until tonight to finish the job.

    Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of Adventures in Home Ownership entitled…ASSEMBLING THE CARPET CLEANER!

    Popularity: 26% [?]

    A Modest Proposal for Translink

    Posted by Office-Bob on 16 Jan 2012 | Tagged as: General Craziness

    Considering the current state of the world economy, people aren’t very appreciative of hearing that prices are going up, and they’re even less pleased when it’s something as crucial to their needs as travel.

    Translink wants to increase fares by 12.5 percent and, of course, the public doesn’t like the idea. Fortunately, any increases will need to be justified before they’re implemented, and consultants are being brought in to look at other ways Translink can reduce operating costs.

    “We’re not looking for savings in strings and paper clips,” (Translink Commissioner Martin) Crilly said. “We’re looking for something substantial.”

    While I’m not going to get into the wisdom (or lack thereof) in spending money on outside consultants, it seems to me that by focusing only on Translink’s bus fleet, they’re missing an opportunity to increase revenues in another area – fare evasion, which we already know costs Translink a significant amount.

    I know Translink is in the process of adding fare gates and turnstiles to SkyTrain stations, and they already have transit police looking for fare evaders, but I want to offer a proposal which I think merits consideration. It involves bringing in those who’ve been marginalized by society and, by giving them a job, helping them to help themselves while providing a tangible benefit to the community.

    Ladies and gentlemen, I propose the Urban Rehabilitation System In New Environments program, in which Translink will hire bears to patrol the transit system and look for fare evaders, which the bears would then eat.

    Consider the benefits of this plan:

  • Currently, fare evaders are issued tickets which they may or may not pay; by eliminating tickets we’ll be saving time, money, and paper.
  • If bears are allowed to eat fare evaders they won’t need to scrounge through garbage bins any more; not only will this cut down on the mess left by bears but it will send a clear message to the fare cheats that breaking the rules won’t be tolerated.
  • We can reduce expenses by reducing the number of transit police needed to patrol the system; we’ll still need them for instances of violent behavior and crowd control for big events, for example, but they’ll be able to spend their time more efficiently and in fewer numbers.
  • We won’t need to spend money on employee benefits such as transit passes for the bears to get to their new jobs, because they’ve already proven themselves adept at getting from one location to another.
  • I urge Translink to consider my proposal and have their consultants evaluate it for feasibility and cost-effectiveness.

    Popularity: 30% [?]

    Fun flies when you’re doing time.

    Posted by Office-Bob on 05 Jan 2012 | Tagged as: General Craziness, The Church of Pyro, FX

    Happy 2012, everyone! Don’t let that whole Mayan calendar thing get you down, ’cause it’s all a bunch of hooey - however, if you’re really looking for a sign of impending doom, consider the fact that Rob Schneider is getting his own TV show.

    Sheesh, and I thought reality TV was bad.

    Speaking of reality TV, it looks as if I’m going to have to lift my embargo against The Donald and watch Celebrity Apprentice because George Takei is going to be a contestant on the upcoming season. DAMN YOU, TAKEI!

    New Year’s Eve was pretty quiet; I haven’t had a NYE fireworks display since the economy tanked, although I almost had an indoor gig this year…they decided against pyro, however, so instead we went out for an early dinner and then I went to watch a show put on by a fellow pyro that I’m sort of mentoring. I loaned him my firing system, though, so I guess that sort of counts as having a show, amirite?

    In other pyro-related news:

  • I’ll once again be attending Western Winter Blast in beautiful downtown Lake Havasu City, AZ in mid-February. I’m really looking forward to getting away from the cold and wet of Greater Vancouver, even if it is only for a week. This year I’m flying from Bellingham, WA because even adding in the cost of a shuttle from Vancouver to Bellingham I’m saving around $100 over flying out of Vancouver - every bit helps.
  • I may have mentioned it before but I’m already booked for Canada Day - hell, I was booked before last August (it’s good to be popular).
  • Celebration of Light is supposed to announce the 2012 dates sometime in January; while there are never any guarantees I’m reasonably certain that I’ll be asked to crew again, though it’s going to be interesting how the logistics of not having Benson and Hedges (the two fireworks barges, which have been sold off) will work.
  • I’m both anticipating and dreading seeing myself on TV when PYROS finally airs on Discovery Canada.
  • That’s all for now…I wish each and every one of you a fantastic 2012…

    …at least until the Mayans and Rob Schneider are done screwing it up.

    Popularity: 49% [?]

    Long Time Gone…

    Posted by Office-Bob on 11 Oct 2011 | Tagged as: General Craziness, The Church of Pyro, FX

    I just did a quick check to see when I last posted something, and holycrapIhaven’tpostedsinceApril?

    Wow…I guess I have some catching up to do.

    Okay, let me think for a minute…what’s been going on?

    In May, I:

  • Built a silk flame effect for a play and assisted the production in brainstorming some “bullet coming through the window” effects;
  • Did a “local license” gig, which was aborted because the giant robot suits, which we were to rig with pyro, didn’t make it to Vancouver in time (I still got paid so it wasn’t a total loss).
  • In June, I:

  • Did some prep work for Celebration of Light involving moving a semi trailer full of mortars from the trailer onto the fireworks barges;
  • Made a weekend trip to Edmonton to visit relatives and get eaten alive by mosquitoes;
  • Saw The Odds in concert.
  • In July, I:

  • Travelled to Vancouver Island to crew a Canada Day show;
  • Stayed on the Island an extra day to crew a show on July 2nd;
  • Began crewing on Celebration of Light;
  • Was asked to crew for someone next Canada Day (yes, I’m so popular that people want to book me a year in advance).
  • In August, I:

  • Finished Celebration of Light;
  • Attended the wedding of two friends from my fencing class;
  • Entertained a fellow pyro who was visiting from the U.S.
  • In September, I:

  • Worked a convention which involved installing over 30 confetti bombs in the Vancouver Convention Centre and then setting up (and firing) a barge show which was part of the same convention. Part of the process involved being filmed by a camera crew, which I’ll cover in more detail later (probably next year when the show is scheduled to air in Canada).
  • This brings me to October, where so far it’s been pretty quiet and I:

  • Started fencing again (I took the summer semester off because with all the shows I did, I’d have missed too many classes);
  • Started getting things ready for my regular Halloween fireworks display at a Burnaby school.
  • That should keep your curiosity sated until after Halloween, when I hope to have more updates.

    Popularity: 46% [?]

    “Hold onto my sign, I don’t wanna lose it!”

    Posted by Office-Bob on 28 Apr 2011 | Tagged as: General Craziness

    This evening I had to make a quick trip to the grocery store to pick up a few things, and while I was waiting in the express line (which, at Safeway, is marked “15 items or fewer” - thank Dog someone gets it right) I noticed there was a leak in the roof that happened to be landing right at the starting end of the conveyor belt at the register. In front of me was a store employee who, I suppose, was going home after her shift as she was buying a few items.

    As the cashier on duty tried to mop up the water with paper towels, the woman in front of me called over to one of the other staff and asked if there was another bucket available.

    Okay, let’s pause for a moment to consider her choice of words. She didn’t ask for A bucket, she asked for ANOTHER bucket, which would seem to imply that there was more than one leak going on at this particular point in time. It’s been raining pretty steadily all day today, so multiple leaks is certainly within the realm of possibility.

    The guy she asked turned to her and said, “Is the roof leaking?” to which she replied, “Nope, it just started raining indoors.”

    I damned near fell over laughing because one of my favourite comedians, Bill Engvall, has a bit that he does on a regular basis called “Here’s Your Sign” where he talks about how, if stupid people wore an “I’m Stupid” sign we’d know in advance that we might have trouble with them. The routine consists of repeating the stupid question, the smartass reply it receives, and finishes with him saying, “Here’s your sign.”

    Well, after witnessing that exchange I felt it was my solemn duty to let the woman know about Bill Engvall’s routine, and after she finished laughing I got the impression that she might just start using that phrase herself.

    She finished her checkout, thanked me, and left. I bought my stuff, drove home, and decided to share my moment of happiness with you.

    Popularity: 29% [?]

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