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Friday, November 2nd, 2007

Daily Archive

Random Observations from a Downtown Pedestrian

Posted by Office-Bob on 02 Nov 2007 | Tagged as: Rants

Thoughts that have popped into my head in my travels to/from work in Downtown Vancouver…

To the Paris Hilton wannabe in Dior shades (I know what brand they are because they have the Dior logo in big fucking letters on the side): It’s bad enough to make your pocket dog wear a pink parka, complete with hood (although we should be thankful it didn’t have wolf fur around the edge) in public, but at least give him some time to check his pee-mail without yanking his lead…there are plenty of lowfat decaf fauxpucchinos at Starbucks to go around.

To the numerous umbrella wielders who consider their rain-guards to be weapons: You know, when you hold your umbrella as if it were a sword you come off more like Basil Fawlty than Basil Rathbone…and when you swing your arms back and forth as you walk, you’re only pissing off the people behind you who would rather not be jabbed in the (insert sensitive body part here) because you’re TOO FUCKING INCONSIDERATE TO PAY ATTENTION TO WHERE YOU’RE SWINGING THAT THING!

To the people who can’t travel in a straight line when moving from Point A to Point B: Unless you’re a) under the influence of mind-altering substances or b) swerving around one of the many panhandlers on the sidewalk, how about making it easier for those of us who walk faster to get past you?

To the cyclists: Do you see that well-marked section of the road? That’s a “bike path.” Do you see this stretch of cement we’re walking on? This is a “sideWALK.” Get it? It’s not a “sideRIDE,” or a “sideSWERVE AROUND PEDESTRIANS,” so kindly get your head out of your ass, remove the earbuds from your ears, and LET US PEDESTRIANS MOVE AROUND WITHOUT HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOUR INABILITY TO PLAY NICE WITH OTHERS.

To the drivers of all the assorted cars, trucks, vans, transit buses and other motorized vehicles: WHY IN THE FLAMING FUCK ARE YOU TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THAT IF THE INTERSECTION ISN’T CLEAR, YOU SHOULDN’T DRIVE INTO IT IN THE HOPES THAT THE TRAFFIC WILL MOVE AGAIN BEFORE THE LIGHT TURNS RED AND YOU’RE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION? BY THE SEVEN FLAMING HELLS OF ASHTAROTH, WHO DID YOU HAVE TO FUCK TO GET YOUR DRIVER’S LICENSES?

Dear Tourists: welcome to Vancouver! It’s great to have visitors from Dog River, Saskatchewan visit our fair city and while we’re aware that we have a lot of interesting buildings – most more than 4 stories high – we would respectfully ask that when you want to stop and gawk you refrain from doing so in the middle of the sidewalk (or in the case of one person I witnessed, run into the middle of the street to take a picture) so those of us not on vacation can get to work on time.

To the people talking on their cellphones via Bluetooth headsets: Are you aware that with the exception of the way you’re dressed (though not always) and the lack of profanity (see previous comment), you’re mostly indistinguishable from the homeless people talking to themselves as they stumble around? I’m just sayin’.

To the Crackberry and iPod addicts, obliviously wandering the streets while diddling with their technoporn: The concept of multitasking involves doing many things at once, and since you don’t seem to be able to handle walking and operating one piece of gear without bumping into people or stumbling over your own feet, you don’t qualify. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you deserve to know you’re not as nimble as you may think you are.

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