Here are a few things on my mind right now:

  • If you’re paranoid enough about germs to use one of those disposable ass-gaskets in a public bathroom, why would you imagine I’d want to sit on the same piece of paper that your ass was perched on? Don’t leave it partially on the toilet seat, be considerate and flush the damned thing when you’re finished.
  • While I have nothing against idle chat with strangers in lineups (I’ve done it myself), pay attention to cues that indicate the person you’re trying to engage in conversation isn’t interested in talking…if you’re too stupid or reckless to do so, don’t be surprised if someone tells you to fuck off when, as they’re leaving the grocery store, you tell them to “Smile, bud!”
  • I don’t give a damn how expensive/new your car is, you’re still required to obey the rules of the road. Don’t think that you’re entitled to be a dick just because you’re overcompensating for the lack of one.
  • I don’t want to hear you complain about problems you’ve had with different relationships or different jobs - take a moment to ask yourself what all of those things have in common? Hint: YOU.
  • Your candidate lost, get over it.
  • If there’s a lineup at the ATM or checkout line, don’t slow things down further by letting your Precious Widdle Snookums punch in the numbers on the keypad - trust me, when it’s the end of a long day and we’re all trying to get home to relax, you’re the only one who thinks it’s cute.
  • Despite what Shepherd Book says, I say that the Special Place in Hell is actually for telemarketers.
  • Speaking of telemarketers - any call that starts with a recording and gives me the “opportunity” to speak to a real live asshole representative will be taken advantage of…and once that waste of genetic material “person” is on the line I’m setting the phone down and letting that poor excuse for metabolism parasite wait on the line until they get fed up and disconnect; you wasted my time with your call so I’m damned well going to do what I can to waste yours because, if it keeps you from calling others for even a little while, I’ll be happy to have helped in my own small way.
  • Attention spammers: Despite what you may think, I am one of the (apparently few) people who will not be tricked into opening emails that are sent “by me.” I am also not fooled by bank security notices, even on those extremely rare occasions that I get one allegedly from a bank that I actually deal with.
  • To my bank (TD Canada Trust): If you want people to report fraud/abuse, please do not make us have to copy and paste the email info into a web form, but rather set up a “abuse” email account where we can forward spam and phishing attempts.
  • Don’t ask me who I’m voting for; it’s none of your business.
  • Why do non-restricted TV stations even bother broadcasting movies like KILL BILL or DIE HARD? I realize that editing out the swearing and violence leaves more room for commercials, but I find it hard to believe the revenue justifies such bowdlerization (then again, I don’t understand the popularity of reality programming so I’m probably giving the TV viewing audience too much credit).
  • I hate having a substitute paper carrier because while the regular carrier puts my paper in my mailbox, the sub never leaves the paper in the same place twice and never in the mailbox.
  • I just realized that I’m channeling Andy Rooney…I guess 49 isn’t too young to be a curmudgeon.
  • Popularity: 49% [?]