This past weekend I went to Victoria to check out the British Museum traveling exhibit and on Saturday, while I was enjoying some ice cream (peanut butter chocolate), my cell phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number, an 816 area code, but I decided to answer it anyway because it was a sunny day, I was in a good mood and I figured I might be able to have some fun with a telemarketer.

Alas, this was not to be.

The woman on the other end asked me why I kept calling her and hanging up; I replied that I had not been calling her (I hadn’t) and that, despite what her call display was telling her, she was mistaken. After trying to point out that technology isn’t infallible, she called me a liar and hung up on me, so I shrugged and wrote it off as one of those strange things that happen.

Then my phone rang again…same person. I let it go to voicemail.

A few minutes later, another call from her…again, I let it go to voicemail.

I listened to the messages later; the first one was a threat to go to the Missouri Attorney General on Monday to report my harassment and ended with her calling me “Bitch.” The second message was to tell me that she’d contacted the Missouri AG (Hey, Missouri residents, congratulations on having state officials that work weekends) and reported me, and that I’d better have deep pockets because I was gonna be paying a lot of money in damages. She signed off again with “Bitch.”

After those two calls I didn’t hear back from Crazy Missouri Woman (hereafter referred to as CMW) until testerday afternoon, when she called me again. I let the call go to voicemail again but this time, instead of ranting at me, she hung up without saying a word.

Ooooh, psychological warfare! You know, I was really hurt that I didn’t get called “Bitch” again. Where did I go wrong?

She then called a second time, this time without leaving any message at all.

Great, I have a groupie. Not only that, I have a stupid groupie. Okay, from now on I’m going to refer to this particular sort of person as a “stoupie.”

This isn’t my first brush with stoupies; some months ago I was getting calls from a woman (different state - sorry, Missouri, you don’t have the market on stoupies) who was insisting that I either had someone else’s phone or I was the person she wanted to talk to and just wouldn’t admit it…she was somewhat incoherent so I couldn’t be 100% sure which it was. I ended up creating a special contact in my address book for that particular number and assigning it a special ringtone so I’d know when she was calling but of course, after I did that, she stopped. After the Monday calls, I added CMW’s number to that contact so I’d know when she decides, if ever, to bother me again.

To commemorate this moment in my life, and in the spirit of Canadian Content, I have decided to adapt a classic rock ditty to suit my particular situation:

MISSOURI WOMAN (with apologies to The Guess Who)

Missouri Woman
Stop calling me
Missouri Woman
This is just crazy

Don’t believe your call display
‘cause I didn’t call your phone today
I got more important things to do
Than waste my time prank-callin’ you

Now woman
Stop causin’ strife
Missouri Woman
Better get a life

You threaten that you’re gonna sue
But good luck ‘cause I’m well North of you
I don’t think your state A.G.
is gonna waste time on Canadian me
Your voicemail rants are really rich
Especially when you call me “bitch”

Hey Woman
Stop calling me
Missouri Woman
This is just crazy

You’re now calling me and wasting money
By hanging up – and I think it’s funny
‘cause I gave you a special ringtone
so I know it’s you when you call my phone
Go ahead and waste your time
If the call goes through - hey, it’s on your dime

Hey woman
What’s with the attack
Missouri Woman
Do ya need Prozac?

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